To Train up a Child

There are few things in the world that bother me more than child safety, whether it is physical or emotional. I know just how deep the wounds can go and how long it can take to get over things. Time doesn't always heal all wounds. Some of us have a tough outer shell and some of us don't. I'm one of the don'ts... God made me sensitive.. why he did, I'm not sure. But, I FEEL for others.

Today, while out and about, I witnessed a woman with an 8 year old, another young child, and an infant (less than a year old) disciplining   hurting her infant. What I saw first was a harried woman, who was no doubt frustrated by having to shop with three young children. She was looking through the sale racks, while trying to make sure her 8 year old watched the younger child. I could tell they were about as tired of shopping as she was of watching them while shopping. In fact, they were going through the store yelling pretty loudly until they found the television area of the store, where the younger child promptly told another child sitting there to get out of the way, because that was his spot. I felt terribly that the woman had such a burden trying to shop for these kids all alone.

What happened next, though, was what changed my thoughts, and made me want to do something, to shake her out of herself, to make her realize that her actions were damaging.

Her youngest child was also clearly tired of being in the stroller. Perhaps he was tired of being in the stroller, perhaps he was hungry, perhaps he was just tired. Anyhow, he kept pulling on the dresses hanging on the racks and they kept coming off the hangers. Then, he gleefully watched as they hit the floor. The mother told him, two times, "Stop doing THAT! If you don't STOP that right now, I'm going to pop you."

That's when I stopped looking through the nearby boy's things and really payed attention to what happened next. When the baby whined and then pulled on another dress, and it hit the floor, the mother quickly grabbed one of the empty hangers and popped her son over the hand with it. He promptly started howling, with huge tears flowing down his cheeks. I don't know how hard she hit him, but it was enough to scare him and stop him from what he was doing for all of.... 5 seconds.

Then, he quickly pulled another dress off the hangers and it fell to the floor. She popped him again... it did no good.. he howled more and pulled off another dress. Finally, the woman gave up and went out of the store with all three children in tow.

I checked out and 5 minutes later I saw all of her children huddled up eating goldfish and the youngest draining a bottle very quickly.

This is the point where I wanted to shake the woman, to scream at her, to pop her on her hands. But I walked on, barely glancing at them, knowing that if I looked at those children long enough, I would want to scoop them up and cry with them.

You see, the children, they weren't acting out because they were bad kids. They were acting out because they had reached the limits of what they could do to keep themselves occupied, while they were HUNGRY.

From my experience as a parent, children act out for three different reasons:

1.) They need your attention. --- Whatever it is you're doing, you aren't providing them with enough attention, whether it is hugs, or talking, or engaging, or trying to ask you a question. I'm guilty of this one when I spend too much time on the computer. In my effort to try to complete my tasks at hand, I ignore my child's needs for interaction, just trying to finish what I'm working on. That's when the whining and acting out begin.. because it works to get what they NEED at that particular moment, that you've been trying to put off until a more convenient time.

2.) They are trying to understand how something works. -- My child spent a lot of time OBSESSED with the dishwasher. He's finally over that stage, but he spent a lot of effort trying to climb inside it (before he could walk) and take things out of it (some of them very SHARP), and trying to put things in it (that did NOT belong in there). While this was completely frustrating to me, to have this happen over and over and over every time I wanted to put something in or out of the dishwasher, I had to realize the reason for it: He hadn't figured it out yet. I could have spent the better part of 4 months screaming at him or popping him for this. It was, after all, a safety risk. Instead, I finally got it through my thick skull that he just wanted to figure out how it worked and understand it. So, I started giving him exploration lessons on it at certain times. I let him in there when it was safe and we practiced putting things in there that DID belong and taking things out that were SAFE to take out. His interest in it has mostly passed now. Now you might be saying, yah but that was something he could play with. Well, it wasn't always safe for him to play in. There were times when I did something called "Redirecting". I took him somewhere to do something else, instead of stay frustrated at his continued attempts to play when it wasn't safe.

3.) They are tired/ hungry/ both. -- It took me all of about 3 days to realize during the "Terrible Twos" that no matter what, you can't effectively discipline a child who is hungry and/or tired. It doesn't work. They are just not mature enough to handle putting their essential needs off to focus on the disciplining. Not only that, but both of the needs of being fed and getting enough sleep are almost 100% my fault as a parent. I don't put my child in bed early enough. I wake him up. I forget snacks. I forget to stop for lunch. I don't shop when he's full/ rested. Now, I know from my own personal experience that I have a hard time accomplishing tasks when I'm hungry and tired. How can I expect my child who is only a year out of the womb, to handle the same thing? I can't.



Now, at least from what I can tell from what I witnessed today, the poor little guy in the store today was most likely experiencing all three of these reasons. He had been put in a stroller, with little interaction from the busy mom. He was trying to understand why the clothes fell on the floor when he pulled sometimes, but not always. He also was obviously hungry and possibly tired.

And yet, she hit him. You might say that it wasn't as bad as smacking, or punching, or kicking. But, research says, the kid still experiences it the same way.

Studies show that children are unable to tell the difference in "for discipline hitting, popping, etc" and "genuine abuse". Very young children don't even understand the difference between fake things and real things. They just haven't grown the capacity yet. We assume children have the same ability as an adult to differentiate between abuse and punishment. It doesn't matter what the motives are, children interpret it with the same feelings of disappointment, shame, and hurt feelings no matter what the intensity is. If you touch your child in this way, they see it as abuse.

But, the worst condemnation comes from the hitting itself..... Research shows it simply doesn't work, especially when the above three things are happening. As evidenced by this mother, and my own experiences, discipline at young ages by this method doesn't work until long after the damage is done. Studies also show that spanking is not an effective method of discipline, by itself. If you are always going to need to use another method to discipline, why not forgo the abusive method, and only use the other method?

I think one of the things that disgusts me the most about this is that it is being taught and exemplified in by Christian writers and churches. The most famous example I can think of is "To Train Up a Child", by Michael Pearl. Here is just one of the sickening quotes from this book:

“My two-year-old will not stay in bed when I put him down. It seems like I am whipping him too much.  No matter how many times I whip him he still gets up.”  This is their recommendation: “If your spankings are too light to gain his respect, an increase in the intensity might be more persuasive.”   (IE: Spanking is not working, so you must not be doing it right.)


On many other pages, it recommends using switches and other methods to beat young YOUNG infants and to completely break down a 3 year old. There are many instances when the Bible is used to back up such behavior. Yet, the BIBLE NEVER ever condones hitting anyone, especially not a child. The Bible condones using the rod and the staff, as a shepherd would with wayward sheep: To gently guide them back to the straight path and to rescue them from going off a cliff. I can't think of a more loving way to treat your child. You see, if you used that rod to beat your young, helpless sheep, you would risk breaking him completely, putting enough stress on him to kill him, or physically damaging him.

The main question I asked myself is, "Would Jesus hit my child, in any way, to discipline him?" The answer is no, he would never do that. So, I can't justify it, not in any way.

So the research says that no matter what, touching your child in these ways has dire consequences, makes kids grow up not respecting, but resenting them, and the Bible doesn't support it.

I wish that I could have said these things to this woman, in love, and helped her to understand that her children weren't behaving that way because they're bad. They just weren't getting their needs met. But, for whatever reason, people tend to balk at this subject in unimaginable ways. They defend their right to spank their child like it is God-given. It is our right to sin, but there are consequences. If you are a Christian and want to defend your right to spank, I ask you to earnestly pray to God for the answer as to whether or not this is the right thing for your family.

I wish I could have been in that woman's life, to say to her, "I know this has to be frustrating. I will watch your kids while you take an hour to shop yourself." I wish I could do that for every parent, so that the temptation to give into frustration and take it out on their child would not happen.

A final thought today.. my child is prone to have the same behavior problems when I don't take care of his needs, I ignore him, and he's curious to figure things out. The lack of spanking or "popping" in our house doesn't magically fix anything. The best cure for behavior problems is simply taking care of their needs the best you can, being stern when needed, redirecting a whole lot, and realizing that one day they will be old enough to handle their feelings and needs better on their own.

And when The Baby (who is about to turn a whole TWO years old) is grown, I pray that he will look at me with respect, knowing that I didn't hit him to get him to listen, and that he listened because he respected. This will be a lot different than relationships that my husband and I have with our parents. But, then again, I don't know many people who were spanked and yelled at who have a great respect for their parents.



Links to studies and articles on spanking:
American Psychological Association
Time Magazine Article with Many Statistics
Psychology Today