How can you be a Christian and act like THAT!?

I have asked those words. My husband has asked those words. Many among me have posed the same question about others around them. How can you be a Christian and act like that? How can you judge someone like that when you're a Christian preacher? How can you treat your wife like that when you're a Christian? How can you run out on your husband when you're a Christian? How can you stop being friends with someone over their sin when you're a Christian? How can you call someone names when you're a Christian? How can you cast family aside when struggling with an uncontrollable illness when you're a Christian? How can you treat your God-given body so poorly that you cannot do all that you can for Christ as a Christian?

Have you ever asked that question... as a Christian? I know I have. I did last week. I was upset over something The Husband said to me. It got me thinking.. well, either that or the Holy Spirit did. You see, I've had that same question asked of me MANY times. (Behind my back, but that is a whole other issue.)                                  

How can you do that evil, sinful, prideful, selfish, disgusting thing... AND be a Christian?

Having the Holy Spirit inside me to guide me is such an amazing thing. Wouldn't it be awesome if I always let it guide me? Wouldn't it be amazing if every Christian always let it guide them in every thing they did of every moment of every day? Maybe that's what heaven will be like, but we aren't there yet.

As long as we are still living in the flesh, we will still be sinful and have to fight with that side of ourselves. But, why?

We have sinful, fleshly bodies. Here is the passage from Galatians 5:19-21 (KJV):

¹⁹ Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,

²⁰ Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,

²¹ Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

When we become Christians, we are blessed with baptism by the Holy Spirit. Jesus spoke these words in this account in John Chapter 3:

³ Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

⁴ Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born?

⁵ Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

⁶ That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

⁷ Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.

Jesus speaks more about this Holy Spirit when he returns after his Resurrection as told in John 14:

²⁶ But the Helper, the Holy Spirit,whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. ²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

So, when a man is born again by both the water and the Holy Spirit, he is now born of the Spirit of God. It dwells within him! So, HOW can a person who has been saved from his sins and will inherit the Kingdom of God do horrible things? Get into ridiculous arguments? Curse? Throw things? Divide brother from brother? Be prideful? Be haughty? Be judgmental? Be hateful?  Never apologize for wrongdoings? Withhold love?

How can I do these things when I feel the Holy Spirit within me?

Because I still have free will. As long as I still live in this body, I will battle with sin. My own desire to save the world myself. My own pride. My own righteousness. My own victories. My own way.

This frustrates me to no end within my own self! It is not that I want to be perfect. It is that I hate knowing that I cannot always contain my sin, and that it hurts people. But even the Apostle Paul who was one of the first to be baptized by the Holy Spirit, had a struggle with this. And in his words, I find comfort, and also empathy. This is from 2 Corinthians (NSRV):

⁵ On behalf of such a one I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. ⁶ But if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I will be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think better of me than what is seen in me or heard from me, ⁷ even considering the exceptional character of the revelations. Therefore, to keep^[a] me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated.^[b] 8 Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, ⁹ but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power^[c] is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.


Amazing! Through our weaknesses, we are reminded of our need for God's power, who is made perfect when we show our weakness. His grace is sufficient. It covers that. Paul said that he would gladly boast of his weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in him. He became content with his imperfections because when he was weak, God made him strong.

So, I will keep up the good fight and have my moments where I remember that I act sinful when I try to be strong on my own. When I am weak and I let go of my pride, that is when I can show God through me. His spirit is inside of me, and so it shows in times when I squelch my own desires.

As for us, when we want to pull out the specks in others's eyes, we have to be reminded that it is only through God's grace that we are made strong. We will continue to do battle with sin until the flesh is no more. So when I see a Christian behave in a certain way, it is not for me to judge. If they are truly a Christian, it is just their pride keeping the Holy Spirit hidden. Pray for the afflicted individual. Talk TO the individual. Help them cope with their own thorn in their side.

The Holy Spirit is GREAT at convicting us when we listen. It is only our pride that wants to do it for the Holy Spirit. It is truly up to the individual on whether they will change. We might be able to sway them towards listening to the Holy Spirit, but they have to decide for themselves between free will and flesh.

I am going to stop asking my husband how he can do certain things.. because I see that I am just as good at "doing sin" while being a faithful Christian. Will you pledge today to do the same? Christianity doesn't keep us from being sinners. It only means we are redeemed when we repent of it! When we attack other Christians it only brings a blemish to our own faith!

To Train up a Child

There are few things in the world that bother me more than child safety, whether it is physical or emotional. I know just how deep the wounds can go and how long it can take to get over things. Time doesn't always heal all wounds. Some of us have a tough outer shell and some of us don't. I'm one of the don'ts... God made me sensitive.. why he did, I'm not sure. But, I FEEL for others.

Today, while out and about, I witnessed a woman with an 8 year old, another young child, and an infant (less than a year old) disciplining   hurting her infant. What I saw first was a harried woman, who was no doubt frustrated by having to shop with three young children. She was looking through the sale racks, while trying to make sure her 8 year old watched the younger child. I could tell they were about as tired of shopping as she was of watching them while shopping. In fact, they were going through the store yelling pretty loudly until they found the television area of the store, where the younger child promptly told another child sitting there to get out of the way, because that was his spot. I felt terribly that the woman had such a burden trying to shop for these kids all alone.

What happened next, though, was what changed my thoughts, and made me want to do something, to shake her out of herself, to make her realize that her actions were damaging.

Her youngest child was also clearly tired of being in the stroller. Perhaps he was tired of being in the stroller, perhaps he was hungry, perhaps he was just tired. Anyhow, he kept pulling on the dresses hanging on the racks and they kept coming off the hangers. Then, he gleefully watched as they hit the floor. The mother told him, two times, "Stop doing THAT! If you don't STOP that right now, I'm going to pop you."

That's when I stopped looking through the nearby boy's things and really payed attention to what happened next. When the baby whined and then pulled on another dress, and it hit the floor, the mother quickly grabbed one of the empty hangers and popped her son over the hand with it. He promptly started howling, with huge tears flowing down his cheeks. I don't know how hard she hit him, but it was enough to scare him and stop him from what he was doing for all of.... 5 seconds.

Then, he quickly pulled another dress off the hangers and it fell to the floor. She popped him again... it did no good.. he howled more and pulled off another dress. Finally, the woman gave up and went out of the store with all three children in tow.

I checked out and 5 minutes later I saw all of her children huddled up eating goldfish and the youngest draining a bottle very quickly.

This is the point where I wanted to shake the woman, to scream at her, to pop her on her hands. But I walked on, barely glancing at them, knowing that if I looked at those children long enough, I would want to scoop them up and cry with them.

You see, the children, they weren't acting out because they were bad kids. They were acting out because they had reached the limits of what they could do to keep themselves occupied, while they were HUNGRY.

From my experience as a parent, children act out for three different reasons:

1.) They need your attention. --- Whatever it is you're doing, you aren't providing them with enough attention, whether it is hugs, or talking, or engaging, or trying to ask you a question. I'm guilty of this one when I spend too much time on the computer. In my effort to try to complete my tasks at hand, I ignore my child's needs for interaction, just trying to finish what I'm working on. That's when the whining and acting out begin.. because it works to get what they NEED at that particular moment, that you've been trying to put off until a more convenient time.

2.) They are trying to understand how something works. -- My child spent a lot of time OBSESSED with the dishwasher. He's finally over that stage, but he spent a lot of effort trying to climb inside it (before he could walk) and take things out of it (some of them very SHARP), and trying to put things in it (that did NOT belong in there). While this was completely frustrating to me, to have this happen over and over and over every time I wanted to put something in or out of the dishwasher, I had to realize the reason for it: He hadn't figured it out yet. I could have spent the better part of 4 months screaming at him or popping him for this. It was, after all, a safety risk. Instead, I finally got it through my thick skull that he just wanted to figure out how it worked and understand it. So, I started giving him exploration lessons on it at certain times. I let him in there when it was safe and we practiced putting things in there that DID belong and taking things out that were SAFE to take out. His interest in it has mostly passed now. Now you might be saying, yah but that was something he could play with. Well, it wasn't always safe for him to play in. There were times when I did something called "Redirecting". I took him somewhere to do something else, instead of stay frustrated at his continued attempts to play when it wasn't safe.

3.) They are tired/ hungry/ both. -- It took me all of about 3 days to realize during the "Terrible Twos" that no matter what, you can't effectively discipline a child who is hungry and/or tired. It doesn't work. They are just not mature enough to handle putting their essential needs off to focus on the disciplining. Not only that, but both of the needs of being fed and getting enough sleep are almost 100% my fault as a parent. I don't put my child in bed early enough. I wake him up. I forget snacks. I forget to stop for lunch. I don't shop when he's full/ rested. Now, I know from my own personal experience that I have a hard time accomplishing tasks when I'm hungry and tired. How can I expect my child who is only a year out of the womb, to handle the same thing? I can't.



Now, at least from what I can tell from what I witnessed today, the poor little guy in the store today was most likely experiencing all three of these reasons. He had been put in a stroller, with little interaction from the busy mom. He was trying to understand why the clothes fell on the floor when he pulled sometimes, but not always. He also was obviously hungry and possibly tired.

And yet, she hit him. You might say that it wasn't as bad as smacking, or punching, or kicking. But, research says, the kid still experiences it the same way.

Studies show that children are unable to tell the difference in "for discipline hitting, popping, etc" and "genuine abuse". Very young children don't even understand the difference between fake things and real things. They just haven't grown the capacity yet. We assume children have the same ability as an adult to differentiate between abuse and punishment. It doesn't matter what the motives are, children interpret it with the same feelings of disappointment, shame, and hurt feelings no matter what the intensity is. If you touch your child in this way, they see it as abuse.

But, the worst condemnation comes from the hitting itself..... Research shows it simply doesn't work, especially when the above three things are happening. As evidenced by this mother, and my own experiences, discipline at young ages by this method doesn't work until long after the damage is done. Studies also show that spanking is not an effective method of discipline, by itself. If you are always going to need to use another method to discipline, why not forgo the abusive method, and only use the other method?

I think one of the things that disgusts me the most about this is that it is being taught and exemplified in by Christian writers and churches. The most famous example I can think of is "To Train Up a Child", by Michael Pearl. Here is just one of the sickening quotes from this book:

“My two-year-old will not stay in bed when I put him down. It seems like I am whipping him too much.  No matter how many times I whip him he still gets up.”  This is their recommendation: “If your spankings are too light to gain his respect, an increase in the intensity might be more persuasive.”   (IE: Spanking is not working, so you must not be doing it right.)


On many other pages, it recommends using switches and other methods to beat young YOUNG infants and to completely break down a 3 year old. There are many instances when the Bible is used to back up such behavior. Yet, the BIBLE NEVER ever condones hitting anyone, especially not a child. The Bible condones using the rod and the staff, as a shepherd would with wayward sheep: To gently guide them back to the straight path and to rescue them from going off a cliff. I can't think of a more loving way to treat your child. You see, if you used that rod to beat your young, helpless sheep, you would risk breaking him completely, putting enough stress on him to kill him, or physically damaging him.

The main question I asked myself is, "Would Jesus hit my child, in any way, to discipline him?" The answer is no, he would never do that. So, I can't justify it, not in any way.

So the research says that no matter what, touching your child in these ways has dire consequences, makes kids grow up not respecting, but resenting them, and the Bible doesn't support it.

I wish that I could have said these things to this woman, in love, and helped her to understand that her children weren't behaving that way because they're bad. They just weren't getting their needs met. But, for whatever reason, people tend to balk at this subject in unimaginable ways. They defend their right to spank their child like it is God-given. It is our right to sin, but there are consequences. If you are a Christian and want to defend your right to spank, I ask you to earnestly pray to God for the answer as to whether or not this is the right thing for your family.

I wish I could have been in that woman's life, to say to her, "I know this has to be frustrating. I will watch your kids while you take an hour to shop yourself." I wish I could do that for every parent, so that the temptation to give into frustration and take it out on their child would not happen.

A final thought today.. my child is prone to have the same behavior problems when I don't take care of his needs, I ignore him, and he's curious to figure things out. The lack of spanking or "popping" in our house doesn't magically fix anything. The best cure for behavior problems is simply taking care of their needs the best you can, being stern when needed, redirecting a whole lot, and realizing that one day they will be old enough to handle their feelings and needs better on their own.

And when The Baby (who is about to turn a whole TWO years old) is grown, I pray that he will look at me with respect, knowing that I didn't hit him to get him to listen, and that he listened because he respected. This will be a lot different than relationships that my husband and I have with our parents. But, then again, I don't know many people who were spanked and yelled at who have a great respect for their parents.



Links to studies and articles on spanking:
American Psychological Association
Time Magazine Article with Many Statistics
Psychology Today

When a Church Stops Loving...

A modern church and its congregation is like a ship. Some are more like cruise ships, a party and event for and theme for every day of the cruise. Some are more like a sailboat, drifting here and there, but only making progress when the winds blow in the right direction, reeling back when storms come calling. And then some are like an old tugboat, pulling mightily against a big barge, stuck in some sludge, very slowly trudging through the harbor. Some might even be like a slave-driven ship, with its oars being tiredly moved while the headmaster barks orders.

There are three ways ships usually sink. The first one could be a catastrophic event like an enormous unforeseen tidal wave, sweeping the ship completely over with all of its crew and members swept into the sea. The second is to assault the ship with many blows, some maybe large and some small, but eventually there are too many holes to plug and no matter how hard we try, it is a steady downfall into the deep. The last is a purposeful sinking. The kind where the ship is just worn out and there isn't enough money to keep her going. So we permanently dock her if she's lucky, a place where people come to visit, but not to do work. Or for the unlucky mass, she is sunk to the ocean, her doors closed forever.  She lost some crew members overboard and some of them have been lost to sea and some have been swimming in the murky waters alone now without a ship to rescue, and a precious few have been gently rescued by another type of ship. 

Churches sink the very same way... I have seen many enormous waves hit different churches, the cheating preacher scandal, the divorced pastor, the embezzlement scandal. Those are certainly unseen by all who are not committing the sin. They rock the church to the core and many times it will not ever come back. If the ship can be uprighted, there is much work to be done cleaning up the mess and debris.

The second assault happens blow by blow... it is so frustrating to watch. The decisions being made from sinful man's desires tearing apart the church piece by piece. Highly revered church-goers committing egregious sins and then people think, "If it happened to them, it can happen to me." A pastor makes a remark to a person judging their sin instead of helping them with it. An upstanding church member completely and utterly shuts people out of their life when discovering their sin. The congregation stops focusing on the true needs of their own and their community and starts focusing on, "How do we get more people coming here?" A minister leaves, because he's tired, tired of trying to bring needed changes that are shot down by prideful elders. A sense of pride envelopes members, and instead of thinking, "How can I help?" they think, "That person can't do this because of this, that, and the other that."

This type of sinking is difficult and painful to watch. It happens over such a long time that it may not be easily seen and then one day, another bomb hits, and it's to the deep she goes. If she's lucky, a new leader or congregation member, a mighty tugboat can bring her back to the docks to be repaired.

The third and last sinking is just as scary as the first two. After a long time, repairs and maintenance may not be done as needed to the church building. Emphasis isn't placed enough on the young and youthful, so the congregation is aging and losing interest. The church stops being a place of worship where people go to do the work of Christ. So sadly, the church becomes a hollow shell of what it once was. It is a place where people go to get their "Sunday fix", do their bench-warming, put on their "Sunday Best" and then they go home and don't think about Christ again until next Sunday. It is now a place to visit, not a place to repair and expand and keep working towards a goal. It is the dreaded "Dead Church". Eventually, this church may even close its doors forever, bought up by someone who liked the land.

A lot of people may think there is one reason for this, but is it the right reason to blame? We can blame the fall of man. We can blame our sin on our churches failing. But there is a greater reason, one we can all change. It is in our power, but our pride keeps us from doing it.

From Matthew 22:36-40

Matthew himself asked Jesus the question, "Teacher, tell me, which of these is the greatest Commandment in the Law?" He of course meant the Jewish Law.. the ten Commandments.

Jesus answered him, "You shall love the Lord your God with ALL of your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is, You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

As so many preachers preach on Sunday, repentance is not the greatest things Christians can do. It is only the first step. When we become Christians, our greatest commandment is to LOVE! LOVE your neighbor, who just had an affair. Love them and listen to them to find out WHY they ever did this in the first place. LOVE your coworker who you just found out is gay. LOVE your fellow congregation members who are struggling with love of money. And we are not talking about, "Hey, hi, how are you doing?" love... that is not love. Jesus said to love them as you love YOURSELF. He meant to give them the same forgiveness, using of excuses, and mercy that you give yourself. He also meant to help them as you would help yourself. 

Love all and be merciful. There is such a difference in preaching and teaching. When we preach, we are prideful in our ways. We tell a person that their actions are sinful, reprehensible, even that God HATES it. How can we bring that person to the Lord while telling them the Lord hates their behavior, and even them? I can't think of a more sinful thing than to go against God and his commandment to LOVE by doing this.

When we teach, we talk about our lost ways and how God has made a difference in our lives. We save the guilt and the conviction to God. If God doesn't like what a person is doing, there WILL be conviction, and we can't force that. 

Jesus told us to love for a reason. When we love people, we may see their sin, but we don't judge. We understand that it is only by God's grace that our salvation comes. Pride in Christianity brings destruction to churches. I am so THANKFUL I am a Christian, but it is not my doing. It is not from me that it comes. How dare I have pride for it?

How can love change all of this? Remember the first ship? She hit an iceberg or a tidal wave that capsized her. How could love change this? Her captain, the one in charge, could have been more alert to the goings on, in tune with either his own guidance or given better tools to the crows nest, to avoid the disaster, maybe not completely, but enough to keep the ship afloat. Remember the second ship? She was pelted time after time with blows from cannons or missiles. How could she have survived? By having the intelligence to know where enemy ships are, avoid them, run from them, or how to build up defenses against them. Remember the third ship? The last one became an empty, unused shell with no crew to maintain her. With a lot more love, investment, and work, she could have enjoyed many more years at sea.

Don't let your churches sink like these ships. Keep the love of your neighbor, your church, and most of all the LORD in your heart. Jesus commanded it to us, and more importantly, when we love other sinners, we are reminded of how grateful we need to be for grace upon our own souls.

The Long Painful Pause

I haven't written here since September!!! Before that, my attendance was spotty, and my last posts were dealing with chronic pain. Since that time, my brain has been busy trying to find a way to kill itself to endure the stupid back pain I've been suffering with.

I've been incredibly frustrated this entire time and my energy has had to go into survival mode. Eat, sleep, try to take care of The Baby (who is quickly growing into The Toddler). It is amazing how being in serious pain can zap you of energy. Your brain whittles itself down, just trying to endure... Other things like having fun, doing chores, celebrating events (even ones that mean a lot to you like Christmas) have to fall by the wayside. Your brain is in survival mode thinking of only one thing, and that one thing is, "How do I stop this severe pain?"

I've been in chronic moderate to severe pain for nearly a century a decade. I had a spinal fusion back in 2002 to correct a slippage of my vertebrae in my lower back. It worked! I was pain free for about 2 years. Then, I guess some changes happened and the disc in between the fusion started degrading. Nowadays, if you had the same surgery they would do it totally differently and would remove the disc which can become a pain source and use better methods to fuse the vertebrae together.

Anyhow, when I had The Baby, something changed and I went from pain I could manage to pain I could hardly live with. And by live with, I'm being serious. Suicide has been a common thought in my most miserable moments. But, I don't want to die. I really just want to be able to live, preferably with less pain,  or at least manageable pain.

Throughout this journey. I've really learned three things. 1) Most people cannot comprehend chronic (constant for me) severe pain. 2) Most people cannot understand the need for pain medicines and assume if you say you "need" them, you're an addict. 3) Most doctors are not genuinely interested in really finding out what is the real problem when it comes to back pain.

The first one is maddening, because people tend to associate certain sayings and thoughts with pain. Have you ever heard, "No pain, no gain." "Just tough it out." "Pain is temporary." "Time heals all wounds." "Pain is only what you allow it to be."? Seriosly, none of these comes close to applying to chronic, debilitating pain.

With chronic pain, there is no gain, there is no toughing it out, and it is certainly NOT temporary and time does not flipping heal it. Over time, I've tried to explain what it feels like but I have mostly failed, because pain is one of those things that is just hard to imagine. There are a couple of analogies I've used that help some. The first one, which is good for women who've bore a child: Imagine that you have the pain of late contractions (which unfortunately a lot of women have never experienced due to epidurals or csections) but their are no breaks between contractions. Also, there are no epidurals, and instead of lasting for a day or two (mentally easier to handle), there is simply no end. And there is certainly no release of fantastic hormones from seeing your baby, because all this pain is for NO reason.

If that analogy doesn't work, then if someone has had surgery for something extremely painful like a shattered bone or if they've had a kidney stone (both of which I've experienced), then they can have a better understanding. Except there is just no end in sight for the chronic pain and there are also no morphine pumps on hand either. And I've had some surgeries which were much easier pain-wise than the chronic pain I have! Give me a jaw surgery, meniscus repair or shoulder reconstruction any day over my back pain!

So imagine you shattered your ankle or had a kidney stone and you went to the hospital and they told you that you had to tough it out. They weren't going to fix it or give you any pain medicine. They also told you they weren't even really sure you have kidney stones although it kind of looks like you have them on X-ray. Also, that severe pain is going to be with you for the next decade.

Now number two on the list of things I've learned (on needing pain medicines) is more of a judgement problem. Because people can't understand how pain can be constant and severe, they can't comprehend why someone would need pain medicine on a daily basis. The cultural stigma on pain medicines is that if you take it when you haven't just had surgery or been injured, you are an addict. Plain and simple. But wrong.

One of the problems lies within the fact that most people don't understand the difference between dependence and addiction. Addiction is a serious psychological problem where the person escalates their drug use over time when there is no physical need. A person addicted to pain medicine will take medicine to feel something, not relieve pain. If that person continues their addiction they will need more and more pain medicine to get high. Addiction usually causes the person to take more pills in just a few days than a person in pain would take over many weeks. Also, the person in the grips of addiction will do things that negatively impact their relationships in order to get high. They neglect everything in pursuit of drugs. (Whereas a person who is in chronic pain neglects relationships due to pain and suffering and will do anything to relieve their pain.)

Ironically, it is very rare for a person who is in chronic pain to develop an addiction. In fact a lot of studies have estimated the risk to be lower than ONE PERCENT!!! However, people who are in chronic pain do develop a chemical dependence to medications if the dose is high enough and is taken often enough. Chemical dependence causes the brain to become accustomed to having the medicine, and this is actually a great thing for people who are in chronic pain. It is that mechanism that allows the body to stop experiencing so many side effects and so the person doesn't feel the euphoric effects or other side effects like a person who isn't in pain would, if they took those medicines. However, it does mean that if the person abruptly stops taking the medicine, they will have symptoms of withdrawal, much like an addicted person would, but usually it is far less severe since they don't take high doses abusively like an addict.

Now one thing to mention is that sometimes people who are in genuine need of pain relief seem to exhibit drug-seeking behavior, like going to multiple doctors if one won't prescribe anything, or asking family members for pain medicines. This is called pseudo-addiction. It happens because a person who is in real, severe pain, is not being treated properly for it. The key to distinguishing this from a psychological addiction is that when that person finally gets proper pain relief, whether it is medicine, injections, or surgery, they stop those pseudo-addictive behaviors. I can sympathize with this totally. When you a suffering so much, you will do anything to end it, and that's where contemplating suicide sometimes happens.

The third thing I learned was perhaps the most maddening thing of all. I learned that most doctors do not genuinely care about doing everything they can to help their patients, even of those patients have been seeing them for a very long time. After I had The Baby, things got dramatically worse within my spine. However, the doctor I had been seeing, and trusted, for the past five years, was very reluctant to help me figure out what was going on.

I went to a supposedly well-esteemed neurosurgeon affiliated with the University of Tennessee and was treated as if I didn't exist. His first words out of his mouth were, "Well, this has been going on s long time, hasn't it? Well, i see nothing on MRI that I can help you with." I had to spend time trying to convince the surgeon that a ct was necessary even though I had had an MRI before (MRI is very good at detecting soft tissue and ligament damage, whereas CT is better at showing bone structure and abnormalities.) A week later I got a call that there was nothing he could do for me.

If I had been less educated and less persistent I never would have gotten answers for why I've been in chronic pain for 7+ years and why for the last 15 months, my pain has been unbearable and constant.
After months of waiting and many doctors weeded out, I finally found a doctor here in Knoxville that knows what they're doing and is thorough enough to find out what the problem is, instead of putting me through useless procedures designed to run up my insurance tab but are just a shot in the dark at helping pain. The doctor I saw couldn't believe what the other doctors had missed on my radiology report.

In between my spinal fusion, they left the disc in. Well that disc is not just degraded. It is now herniated and bulging out the back and pressing on my spinal nerves. On top of that (literally) is a complete ridge of bone spur pressing on the herniation and also my spinal nerves. The best guess is I herniated the disc while in the last stages of pregnancy.

The new doctor I saw said that the only explanation they had for doctors not wanting to fix this is: the fix for this problem is NOT easy. It will take plenty of time in the OR and there are risks since I've had surgery before. Yet, not one surgeon told me anything that was even on my radiology report.
And so you see, the pain is not in my head... It has a cause... Just like I'm sure Every person who struggles with chronic pain. And yet we are humiliated by people who think they understand it. People who think they are just stronger or tougher than the person suffering. People who think they would not need medicine if they were in the same situation. Doctors who think we exaggerate the pain to get medicines, Doctors who don't do their job well enough to find the root cause. Doctors who don't read continuing education and medical journals to see that there are new pain mechanisms, thought not to exist, being discovered (in 2002 it was thought that a disc itself doesn't cause pain, which has now been proved false with extensive study).

If you are suffering and in pain and are having trouble getting answers I urge you to do two things. The first is to pray. It was through prayer that I was able to discern the right doctors to see and to listen to. The second is to become your own advocate. I learned that most doctors are really only concerned about their bottom line and liability. If you have something that doesn't have a straightforward cure, a lot of doctors won't help you. Keep searching. It isn't worth succumbing to the feelings of doubt and wishing to end it.

You never know when your solution might be just around the corner. I went from thinking I was going to suffer with this the rest of my life to learning I have something treatable within a matter of weeks after EIGHT YEARS of suffering. And lastly, if you are suffering, please contact me. I will help you as much as I can by praying with you or helping you get help.