I am a crappy human being. Just when I think I'm doing good to get rid of sin, I am reminded I am even more sinful than when I started. Ughh..
This past Sunday in our morning Sunday School Class, we talked about how becoming "saved" as we Baptists like to call it, is just the beginning. The question was posed by our leader, "Once we confess our sins and proclaim Jesus to be Lord, why don't we just go to heaven then?" One could argue that sometimes this indeed is the way it goes and that just in the nick of time, someone confesses their sin on their deathbed. Thank God for moments like this because otherwise I would not be confident that I would see my mother again.
For others of us, we are "saved" at a young age, or middle age, or even old age, and yet we remain here on Earth. God does not call us home immediately. We have more work to do! We're here to raise and cultivate and fish for more Christians! Another question was raised, "If God's grace covers our sins, why not commit more sin because we are 'all good'?" The preacher's wife (who is in our group and I just adore) said, "Because when we are truly saved, we are filled with the Holy Spirit which then gives us convictions."
Yep, so the whole time I'm thinking in my head, "I'm such a good Christian. I am filled with the Holy Spirit and it keeps convicting me to be a better person." Then on the way home, I proceed to argue with my husband about some things and think nothing of disrespecting him.
Self-righteous pride, much?
Ugh.. so in the past three years of marriage, God's been pruning me so I can bear fruit. It has been painful, to say the least. But sometime in the past few months, I got this attitude that I was "all good to go" and that it was no longer me that needed to grow and get pruned, but my spouse.
Reality check time.
I have felt, especially in the past, that I had a Christ-like love for my husband. Despite any wrongdoing or hurtful statements to me, I have tried to continue to respect and love him. It turns out, that's pretty easy to do when the mental illness you're experiencing constantly reminds you of how much you suck. (Especially at controlling your anger and emotional "crap"). I was constantly doing stupid stuff against my hubby and so I was constantly in need of his forgiveness. During that time, it was probably a lot easier to forgive him of hurtful things because I was really bad to him.
The past year or so, life has gotten easier in some ways and I've stopped doing as many stupid, hurtful things to my husband (or so I thought), and with that I have become self-righteous. I have tried to demand love and security from him, while not giving him the respect he deserves (regardless of any hurtful actions he may do intentionally or not). So, it turns out, I didn't have a Christ-like love for him. I just forgave him because I needed forgiving.
After realizing this thanks to a lot of not-so-gentle prodding from my preacher and others, I have really realized how passive-aggressive, self-righteous, and horribly sinful I've become. I have so much empathy and forgiving spirit towards everyone but my husband. Without even realizing it, I have done and said things that demonstrate disrespect and humiliation towards him. The worst part is, I've done this while demanding he show his love for me.
I have no dog in this fight. I want to love my husband as Christ loves me. I want to be the wife the Bible asks me to be. But for this, I need prayer. Because sin becomes so ingrained in everyday patterns, it isn't easy to break this bad habit. I am asking you readers for your prayers for our marriage. I have always believed that God chooses us the perfect partner who is specifically designed to give us the opportunity for growth that God wants us to have. The book I was given to read is a definite reminder of that need within me.
I love my husband dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am so thankful for the human being he is. I adore his intelligence, creativity, and spirit. But most of all, I love that he has given me the perfect opportunities to grow as a person and to mature as a Christian.
Today, I also thank God for this inner compass with the Holy Spirit that dwells within me, and the faith that I'm forgiven even though I keep on sinning, as unintentional as it sometimes is, and as intentional as it sometimes is. I thank God for the grace I don't deserve, and pray that I use more in my own relationships.
Thank you readers for listening to this. I am sorry for all the ways I've jabbed my husband passive-aggressively. Thank you for your prayers and I hope you keep reading this sinner's blog.
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