The Low IQ Geyser

When I was 18, I got my first job and it was my DREAM job! I worked as a Lifeguard for Disney World at their Wilderness Lodge Resort. It felt like I was out West somewhere with this amazing lodge built on a lake. I was at the prime age to enjoy it too. But, in the winter there was this ONE feature that I did not enjoy. Every hour on the hour, they had a GEYSER that would go off.

I know what you're thinking. It is one of Three things. First) How powerful could a man-made geyser be? Second) Why does that Disney spend so much money on crazy things? Or Third) Why did that geyser bother you? Lucky for you, I have all those answers.

A man-made geyser, whether intentionally or UNintentionally made, can be pretty darn powerful, as I discovered while in Indiana this week (more about that later). Anyhow, the one at Disney is called Fire Rock Geyser. I have included the video for your viewing pleasure. Sorry, I don't have the accompanying stadium seating, popcorn machine, and candy for you. (Except if your name is Uncle.. if it is then go watch this in your basement!)



Seems harmless in this video, doesn't it? Well, imagine that it is not sunny outside. In fact, imagine that it is 40 degrees, with 20 mph winds, and already drizzling. You are sitting under an umbrella at the nearby pool guarding the many Canadians who are swimming the family of ducks that is trying to get out of the waterslide's current. You're wrapped up in the warmest layers of "costume" that Disney will provide you, a pair of track pants and a thin jacket. At least they also gave you some gloves and a scarf. Now that you have this image in your head, go ahead and laugh. It probably does look pretty silly to see a lady huddled up guarding an empty pool, save for the ducks, with a scarf and gloves on.

As you're guarding the pool, you glance at the clock across the pool. Crap... it's 5 minutes till... you then hear the rumble to your right and you stare at the rocks begging the weather station to determine it is too cool to let Fire Rock Geyser erupt. No. Such. Luck. The geyser erupts anyhow and you are then drenched by sideways spray from the 40 foot geyser for FIVE MINUTES. The only good news is that at least the weather station determined to only put out a 40 foot geyser instead of the 80 it usually gives.

So, that was the worst part of my career as a lifeguard/ pool towel girl/ boat rental clown/ supervisor of fun/ babysitter/ pool bar tester/ college program CPR instructor. I tried to find out why Disney installed that crazy geyser in the first place. At first it was without a weather station so no matter the temp or conditions that thing would be BLAZING into you! The answer is apparently, when guests pay 3-5 HUNDRED DOLLARS a NIGHT, they expect to see a little Disney Magic.

Well, while I was Indiana, there is another person I know that likes to see a little Disney Magic of his own. His name is Uncle. He and his late wife have been Disney FANatics! They have a lot of really neat Disney memorabilia from my aunt's office that is decked out from the carpet to the ceiling in bright colors with a Mickey Mouse TV and blanket, to a Margarita sign from Disney's old Pleasure Island, to even the bath towels with "hidden Mickey's" in their cloth.

One night, while we were there visiting and my back was killing me from all the car travel, I decided to go down and enjoy my Uncle's hot tub. My uncle helped me pull back the cover on it and turned on the jets for me. I then began to ease my sore back and relish the relief. Then, I decided the jets were a little too rough on one spot and I noticed a lever that said, "Comfort Control." So, I twisted it a little. It didn't do much. In fact, it seemed a little stuck. So, I twisted a little harder. With not so much as a rumble as a warning, the lever popped off in my hand and a VERY powerful geyser was created right in front of my face!!!!

I've never been to Yellowstone to see Old Faithful, but let me just tell you, I'm pretty sure what I experienced rivaled that! The spray of water went STREAMING up to the 10 foot porch ceiling covering the hot tub. In 2 seconds, it had washed that down pretty well. I looked up and it was, in fact, so powerful that it was going sideways up past the 2nd story windows. My immediate reaction was to try and put my hand over the stream. HA! That clearly didn't work. Nothing was stopping this thing! Thankfully, in the recesses of my brain I remembered my uncle stating that he was turning the jets on and reaching forward towards the front of the tub. I looked over the tub and spotted a blue button marked, "JETS". Oh. Thank. You. GOD!

As I pushed the blue button, I'm pretty sure I simultaneously prayed that it would work to shut it off and that the break was not before the water gets to the "JETS" control. Two seconds later my UNintentional Geyser petered out. Of course, my girly screams had beckoned both the Husband and Uncle. <sigh> Captain actually witnessed the geyser as he was nearby, but my uncle just got in on the tail end. He came down to a freshly flooded deck. Hey, at least the cobwebs were rinsed free, right?

I was pretty sad that I broke the hot tub, but thankfully my Uncle was really easygoing about it. He mentioned, "Don't worry, you've just created the new geyser feature I've been wanting." Later, I noticed that the Hot Tub's model was named "IQ 2020". Apparently, it required a higher IQ then I'm sporting to operate it.

So, Uncle now has a little more Disney Magic to call his own and he didn't even have to pay those Imagineers a million dollars to create it. I'm just glad he didn't charge me 3 to 5 HUNDRED dollars to stay there since I made him the Low IQ Geyser. And didn't bring more Mickey Mouse towels to clean up the water. And Bear got sick on his nearly white carpet within minutes of getting there.

His only win? That he will have something to tease me mercilessly about for the next millenium.